Meet Jason Malone, The Disneyland Cast Member Trying to Get All of Disneyland Rethemed 

By Wendy Partridge, OG Cash-Register

Malone, 24, has come up with a plan to make Disneyland more enlightened

ANAHEIM, California — The happiest place on Earth hasn’t been quite as happy lately because of its COVID-19-imposed closing that is about to come to a close. While the Disney parks have been arguing over whether some of its legacy rides are appropriate in a post-George Floyd world where Black Lives Matter, one cast member has a final solution to Disney’s race problem: total de-Disneyfication.

Jason Malone, age 24, has been a Disneyland cast member for the past three years. Despite not being able to get a job without his parents’ help, the fact that he hasn’t been promoted so much as once, and the fact that no female employees want anything to do with his flabby, pasty, zitty white butt outside of work, Disney Imagineers have looked to him for inspiration on how to make Disney more progressive and inclusive, even if it means totally rebranding it altogether and removing the Disney name from it.

“When my good friend and colleague Freddie Chambers suggested replacing Song of the South characters in Splash Mountain with Princess and the Frog characters,” said Malone, “I decided to do him one better and suggested re-theming the whole park to get rid of all things Disney. My supervisors loved the idea.”

“If Song of the South is racist,” Malone added, “then Walt is racist for making it. And if Walt is racist, then it’s socially irresponsible to have a whole theme park and company dedicated to its name and memory. Would you take your children to Hitlerland?” When I pointed out the company had theme parks in countries that were either allied with or invaded by Hitler during WWII, he just rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah, whatever.”

“When I heard Eddie’s ideas about re-theming the entire Disney parks worldwide and the entire Disney company,” said Muriel Pusharound, Jason’s supervisor, “I thought to myself, finally, someone said it! The problem at the root of Disney is Walt himself and everything he stood for. We don’t need any monuments to straight white Christian males. The man let Aunt Jemima sponsor a restaurant, for Pete’s sake! Even his own grandniece who sold her share of the company for doing business in Israel thinks he’s a racist!”

“Oh, I just can’t wait to re-theme,” says fellow cast member Lionel Evans. “They should replace that annoying song in It’s A Small World with the theme from Diff’rent Strokes or something less problematic. They can easily replace Br’er Rabbit, Br’er Fox, and Br’er Bear with Raj, Dwayne, and Rerun from What’s Happening!!, and they can replace Main Street USA with an authentic recreation of the Cabrini-Green ghetto that inspired Good Times. Change the name to Norman Lear Land and replace Mickey Mouse with Gary Coleman.” When I pointed out that Norman Lear had no more to do with What’s Happening!! than Walt Disney did with The Sound of Music, he said I was just splitting hairs at this point. “Either way, we have to do something to make them get with the program.”

The Imagineers are even more excited about the upcoming de-Waltification project. “I was proud to get rid of the so-called Great Movie Ride,” said Imagineer Carmen Jones. “The closest it came to Black representation was an all-white production number from some old movie musical that the New York Times called ‘flirting with blackface.’ We can’t have that in this day and age. It was barely appropriate in 1964. Actual Black actors were nowhere to be found. No Sidney Poitier movies, no Denzel Washington movies, not even Shaft and Superfly. Shaft actually won a Best Song Oscar over a song from Bedknobs and Broomsticks. Anyway, I replaced it with Mickey Mouse because 90% of his body is Black. I only wish I didn’t have to be limited to these corny old relics of the Great Depression. They were old when I was a kid!”

Fellow Imagineer Charita Bauer echoed her sentiments. “We don’t still live in the 1960s,” she said. “There’s no reason the parks should be stuck in the past. The company barely survived the 1970s trying to hold onto the past. That was 50 years ago. Times have changed even more since then, and since Walt said ‘Disneyland is always changing,” then maybe we should take his advice and change everything. Trust me, it’s what Walt would do. When he was alive, he was our guiding light, our candle on the water, but that candle has melted down to nothing by now and there’s nothing left but the wax that gets stuck in the bottom of the candle holder that you need to pry out with a knife or scissors. We need someone else to light the way.”

When revealing details to the public, Disney Imagineers and executives are ambiguous about what kind of changes they intend to make, but all they have said is once they do, you won’t recognize a thing and everything will be even better than it ever was before. “We’re even thinking of changing the name of the company,” said one Disney insider who requested anonymity because he feared for his life if he told anyone what he knew about what was really going on behind closed doors in Burbank. “They have turned on Walt that much. The only reason we didn’t do it sooner is because we were waiting for Ron Miller to die. Now that he’s gone, we can be honest about it up to a point. They’ve even banned anything with zippers because it reminds people of ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.’ I had to spend $1000 on new work pants without them! I don’t need this, not when I have twins who both have Bar Mitzvahs coming up.”

Another Disney spokesperson denied my repeated requests for an interview before calling my mother “a streetwalker” and also adding “we know where you live.”

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